I haven’t written anything here in quite a while – this has been swirling in my head for a long time though.

– the gradual movement, growth, or advancement toward a goal, a higher stage of development, or an improved state

Most of our lives we are working toward something – trying to make progress… go from 4th to 5th grade – graduate – get a better job…… Progress is sought after and celebrated.

Progression is not what I wanted to hear after my most recent scan. It seems my tumors have decided they want to progress too. This has set off a whole host of activities —

• My medication cocktail has progressed to include another pill. However this one has a scary-long list of potential side effects. The company even sent me a care package of products to help me combat the effects.
• I have more routine tests to complete more often – to keep watch for side effects.
• I experienced a side effect causing me to need an increased dose of an already prescribed medication.
• My morning routine had to shift to accommodate the medication and monitoring.
• New physical side effects are there, tolerable but noticeable.

This has furthered the mental issues as well – I was not expecting these results – I had just completed a second round of treatment with the hopes of ‘success’ like the first round a few years ago. This was the opposite. And I am aware of my limited options for continued treatment going forward. I have nothing available to reduce my tumor load anymore. All they can offer are various ways to try to keep the tumors from making more progress. Each of these will have different effects on my body. Each will come with decisions – to take or not… weigh my quality of life with taking or not. I can’t even count how often I’ve questioned: How much more time I will get? How much more can my body tolerate? My plan for progress in life has turned into survival.