I feel like I live in the shadows. I’ve always felt like I didn’t belong – I don’t know when I ever felt truly a part of a group.
From a very young age – memories starting at what ever age I was in 3rd grade – I’ve never felt accepted. My approval in a group depended on the leader – I never knew what would change to make me in or out of favor. Out of favor meant being bullied, but passed off as ‘this is what kids do’. Neither school or the neighborhood was safe from the question of where am I today in the food chain. I can think of what feels like hundreds of examples, probably not worth typing out here, maybe someday.
High school didn’t get any better. I had very few friends in school, I didn’t fit in with most groups there either. I found solace at a local horse farm where I spent many afternoons and weekends outside of school. I made a few friends there but the same issues of not fitting in still existed. I tried – but by this time my low self-esteem and craving being wanted led to poor choices. The horses and the work kept me going and probably prevented further “darkness”…
College – same – I had friends but never felt like I fit in… animals filled the void.
As an adult – both careers – I have made several good friends… and found a couple I hold close to my heart. Grad school in between was tough – I was older than my fellow students while being taught by my age peers who were not my professional peers = not part of any group.
All throughout my life – I absolutely love my family – pretty much always felt on the outside.
Here I am at 58 – still triggered by anything remotely resembling not fitting in. This has gotten worse with the cancer diagnosis. My body doesn’t feel completely mine anymore – everything about this separates me even more from everyone else. Any situation I perceive as separation from ‘the rest of the group’ or ‘being excluded’ activates memories of my past and a reminder of my current health situation.
When asked why I’m reacting to these situations I can never fully explain it. What comes out of my mouth sounds silly and I feel as if I’m acting like a 3rd grader. The reality of the experience is usually not how my mind is perceiving things. Maybe someday I’ll figure out how to be an adult. Until then – shadows.
BS stuff 
I know this reply is months late. I just wanted to reach out and say that I’ve also struggled with feelings of “not fitting in.” We’ve raised Maddie in a small central PA town, and people are really into having a set “friend group” – I’ve been recruited several times, but always feel like I just don’t belong and make an exit. Instead, I’ve collected an assorted group of individual friends from the different groups. I think to be part of a group that always hangs out, travels together, makes plans together, etc…you have to be able to fake liking every member. I could never get used to that. And I enjoy doing things with one or two friends, but hanging out in a larger group really triggers social anxiety for me. I guess what I’m trying to say is…I think a lot of people don’t feel like they fit in with any existing “groups” so we just all do something else? And also, I think those of us who find comfort and joy in loving animals are truly so lucky…I feel sorry for people who miss out on having this kind of unconditional love in their lives. I hate that the medical stuff is just adding to your feeling separated. Hold those true friends (people and animals) close. Keep writing – you’re so good at it!
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Thanks for this! I am grateful for your support :). I appreciate the comments about my writing. It has never been a strong skill of mine, this has been fun (except for the crying sometimes) so far – to let myself be creative in a different way without the social media aspect of “likes” dictating success in my head. Animals are the best! Take care!
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