What a year it’s been since my diagnosis 🙄 💩 🤬 I still remember waking up from what I expected to be a “simple” same-day surgery – & finding out it was so much more complicated.

I would much rather this journey be a slow ramble through woods on horseback with the occasional fence to jump instead of the crazy mini ups and big downs of this friggin’ roller coaster – this ride operator sucks! I feel like I’ve been robbed, my psyche has been altered. It continues to be more of a struggle than I expected to have at this point. Along with the recently added health issues, I can’t verbalize the chaos in my head, I try.

One of my big worries is the resentment I think I perceive from others when I do things to take care of myself. Example: I plan most of my days around working out – I see this as a necessity for so many reasons. But sometimes it’s at the expense of doing other things with my family or being more involved at work. People appear supportive, willing to let me slide with lower responsibility. But how much longer can I get away with this? Do they really not care when I leave meetings early? Or are they annoyed?

In my pre-cancer life I had always kept myself busy, usually taking on lots of things at one time. I’ve held positions in professional organizations & been a member on many committees. I used to be able to handle this added activity along with my actual job. Mentally I don’t feel capable of doing this now. I’ve really cut back on how much I am willing or able (not really sure which it is) to do beyond my job. When do I become dead wood to my co-workers?

I feel more on the outside of normal life than ever before. I’ve always felt like an outsider, this cancer has made the situation seem worse. Social situations are often stressful… I find myself pulling away from people so I don’t burden others or make them uncomfortable. How much do I actually explain when someone asks how I’m feeling? Should I just say ‘okay’ or go on and describe the newest event or symptom?

So much of my mental energy is spent fighting to not panic or assume the worst every time I have a weird feeling in my body. Often this anxiety accumulates over time and results with me crying at the drop of – almost anything. I think I’ve cried more in this last year than I have in my entire life combined. How much longer will friends and family put up with my over-the-top emotions?

I expected to be in more of a ‘maintenance’ phase with all of this by now. I hoped the most I’d need would be periodic scans to show my monthly butt darts were working. I didn’t expect heart issues, more medications or another stay in the hospital for a bowel blockage. My body doesn’t work quite the same as before. My GI tract is different, less predictable, especially in the morning. All these changes make it feel scary to plan for anything. All the ‘what ifs’ float around in any thoughts about the future. How do I go beyond just existing?