I have always hated being startled & react loudly if anyone or anything scares me (usually with adult language). I won’t go to haunted houses because of this, it has nothing to do with being afraid, but everything to do with my strong dislike of things jumping out at me. It’s the same with movies, I don’t watch scary movies. I don’t enjoy the anticipation of fear.

Ironically I also hate calm periods – I can’t relax when things are going smoothly. These are times I’m just expecting something to pop up. I can’t enjoy when I feel good, can’t relax when I have down time.

I feel like my life now is either the calm before a storm or a storm. I have to always be ready to deal with the next thing.

I haven’t been doing much writing here lately. Work took over – sorta – the need to stay ahead, stay on top of things… just in case something happens. I used to procrastinate more and always seemed to do better under time pressure. This past year has forced me to change my ways. I realized I can’t work like that anymore, not that it was a good idea then. But now I need to always be ahead = on guard. When it’s calm, it’s a much nicer way to work. But then the storm hits and I realize how unprepared I am even working ahead.

Before my surgery last spring I had time to plan ahead. I have wonderful coworkers who willingly stepped in to help me create plans and teach classes while I was going to be out on medical leave. I had time to record lectures and write exams for those weeks. I made lists, lots of lists, checked them against the syllabi to make sure everything was covered and the students wouldn’t miss out on any of the riveting information.

In fall I was able to stay ahead of my work all semester. It gave me a chance to try to relax some at night and even watch a little TV – not something I do often. I was also feeling physically stronger as the months passed. I was hoping to make it to my cancerversary with no drama. Then — STORM — Atrial fluttering and an ER visit in January, this along with the newly diagnosed high blood pressure. It occurred at a time I wasn’t teaching so I had wiggle room to deal with it and not mess up class schedules. Mentally I was devastated – another thing to monitor, another provider to keep up with, more appointments to add to my calendar.

At the beginning of spring semester I continued to stay ahead and made more plans to share information with others… just in case. My work files, usually stored in my own space, now in a shared drive so my TA could get to them… just in case. Other faculty added to my class lists in the course management system… just in case. I thought I had all bases covered and started to feel better physically from the cardiac issues.

Just a few weeks into the semester — STORM — Another trip to the ER – and a 3-night stay in the hospital for a small bowel blockage! [Another issue – which of my many providers do I call for this? Oncologist? PCP? GI? Surgeon?] Physically this sucked – GI pain started on a Sunday, ER on Wednesday & given an NG tube (ouch) to keep my stomach empty. NPO (nothing by mouth) until they determined the blockage unblocked itself. The blockage was caused by the scar tissue from my surgery last spring. I knew it was a possibility, didn’t think it would happen to me.

Mentally this was a really tough challenge! I didn’t make it to my cancerversary without drama. And I may have to deal with this again, nothing I do will cause it or prevent it. All I can do now is react (hopefully faster) when I’m surprised by the pain again. But now I also panic at any GI pain. I’m just sitting and waiting for the next time.

It also highlighted many more issues with my planning – I didn’t have time to figure things out ahead of time. There were problems to work out while I was in the hospital. Luckily I was able to do work from there? What happens if I am worse off next time and can’t help figure out how to cover my classes with no warning?

I don’t know how to prepare for the next STORM.