Regular life things feel harder now…

Mentally I am exhausted. I feel like I don’t have the mental capacity to deal with much anymore. Often I can’t do more than one task before I give up and sit down to do a word puzzle or play a game on my iPad. I was good about staying a step or two ahead of my classes last semester. Right now, I’m very behind in planning for spring compared to other years.

So much of my ‘free’ time is spent scheduling or going to medical appointments. After surgery in April and the first few visits with my oncologist, I was starting to hope I could return to a new normal – monthly visits & shots and a scan every so often telling me all was stable. I was hoping by the 1-year mark I would start to feel a bit more relaxed about the situation. Based on this last month my new year is just as chaotic as the beginning of 2021 and not looking like there is calm coming yet.

I’ve always had a short fuse when dealing with things not going the way I hoped or expected. Usually it over dumb stuff like cursing when I can’t get a bottle open or bang my head on something. Sometimes it feels warranted but still probably seen as an overreaction to those around me. Ever since we’ve had greyhounds, I’ve been really trying (despite what my husband might say) to keep it down more. They tend to get overly scared when I yell. I have been noticing I’m reacting like this more often lately. I would owe a lot of money if we had a swear jar at home.

Now even small things feel super hard, like answering a text or an email, watering plants or just switching laundry to the dryer. Don’t even get me started with needing to fold and put away my clean clothes – I can’t handle this if I am the least bit tired. I used to love shopping, especially going to Target or Costco and just walk around to look at stuff, to pick up all those items ‘I forgot I needed’. I dread it now. I don’t like going unless there is someone else with me. It feels too mentally overwhelming to find things and deal with checking out after… even being the one driving there and back can be taxing.

Physically I am tired. I haven’t had a pain-free day in recent memory. My elbows hurt a lot, knees sometimes too, caused by one of my medications. It’s not degenerative, but really not fun. It’s often worse when I’ve been still, especially first thing in the morning or when I’m sitting in the recliner to watch TV. The monthly butt dart usually leaves a lump and a bruised feeling (can’t see it easily to verify an actual bruise). I’ve been nursing a shoulder pain for several months which has hindered me in the gym.

Now I’m on a blood thinner because of my ER episode. Every needle prick I get causes a lovely mini – hematoma. I feel like a rainbow-colored leaking pin cushion. I worry more now about getting injured, especially in the gym. I won’t try jumping on the box now for fear of skinning my shin. And with the cold dry air, I have a perpetual runny nose bleed.

Sleep has become just a series of naps through the night. I’m up every ~2 hours, often struggling to get back to sleep. No matter what position I put my body in, there is something uncomfortable or hurting. Lately I’ve been spending the better part of most nights sleeping on the couch. Sometimes it’s a comfort thing based on what’s hurting. Sometimes it’s just because I am tossing & turning so much I worry about messing with Peter’s sleep.

I just want to feel normal & whole again.