I started this blog as a way to put my thoughts down instead of just letting them swirl in my head. I’ve been in formal therapy for 2 years, starting soon after my breast cancer treatment. Lately we’ve been talking about other things I could do to help me now. One idea was a punching bag when I am having a bad day/hour/5-minutes – but I get the same effect with more fun in CrossFit. I was going to start a journal in a book, when my husband suggested this format. So I’m learning something new while processing my 💩.

I decided to make this public to let others around me know where I am in all this. I can’t keep track of who knows what anymore as far as facts about my illness. Also – I struggle with an appropriate answer to “how are you doing?”. So I figured this might be the easiest way to update anyone interested. I don’t have any expectations about who is interested or how often it’s viewed.

When I first sent out the link via text, one of my dearest friends (30+ years) responded with “… you beat me to the punch. I was going to ask if I could write an article about your journey [for an undetermined publication]. I think you will be very inspiring to others.” Her interest in me/my story meant a lot to me, but it was par for the course – we’ve been through lots of tough stuff together! I told her I’m not out to inspire and this is as published as I’m planning right now.

When I put the link in my Facebook post, I received many positive responses from great friends. I am super grateful for all this support. I am not trying to discount it, I know it comes from a good place. But I struggle with the idea of being ‘inspiring’. I am not sure what I am inspiring anyone to do?

For me, the idea of being an inspiration feels like pressure – I had/have to be ‘okay’ during my first cancer, after that treatment, and now during again. I feel like I’m expected to now have figured out the meaning of life, how to appreciate every moment, live life to the fullest. Honestly I’m just trying to survive. I just go from blood test/shot to blood test/shot, hoping my numbers stay put or drop. Then throw in scans every so often – what will they show, did the cancer spread, grow or shrink? I also have to keep up on the breast cancer screenings = more scans. There is lots of anxiety leading up to these events.

I am not brave, most days I am scared about my future. I don’t have a choice here, I didn’t pick this direction for my life. I pretty much have to ‘keep going’ because the only other option is dying. I am just doing what I can to stay as healthy as I can for as long as possible.