When I look at lists for how to reduce cancer risk I get really angry. – Exercise ✅ – Eat healthy ✅ (okay maybe its the chocolate and coffee?) – Don’t drink alcohol ✅ – gave that up ~30 years ago for completely separate reasons – Don’t smoke ✅ – Maintain a healthy weight ✅ (sorta) – Use sunscreen (probably need to do this more often). So I have done pretty much everything on those lists and got hit with cancer 2X!

I have been trying to sort out the anger in my head. I get it – life isn’t fair – & no one should have to go through this crap. I am not in a place where I want to stop & smell the roses, appreciate every moment, live life to the fullest every day, blah blah blah!

Right now I have no symptoms, no side effects from the medication – I am grateful for this. However every day I face the reality – there is no escaping this. I have a long scar down the lower half of my stomach. Every time I shower or change clothes it’s right there to remind me. Three months later I still have to watch what clothes I wear &/or how I sit for longer periods of time, just because of the scar.

Every pain I have internally now causes my brain to yell “WTF is that?” Is it just my age? What did I do recently in CrossFit? Is it a tumor acting up? Do I have a hernia? Is it a new surprise? It’s a new fear, I don’t feel safe anymore. I’m now just waiting for the next shoe to drop, there is no relaxing from this worry for me. I did everything to stay healthy, it didn’t work.

And the surgery put me into instant menopause! I have hot flashes now which are way super fun in workouts! My breast cancer medication changed because of the menopause and now I get to worry about my bone density more than before.

Every month I get my shot, in my butt with a ginormous needle. This is in the treatment room with many others who are getting their chemo. This is an uncomfortable experience for me. I feel awful for each of them, I have no idea what they are going through. I am only there for a short time compared to them but I won’t be done. I won’t have the side effects, but I won’t be done. None of us can bring in a support person (F*** covid).

I’m the oldest of 4 girls, I was supposed to be the one to help them, help our parents. I was keeping up with my health habits to be able to be around for everyone. This totally sucks – I am so angry, so emotionally drained.