Lots of thoughts circle through my head on a minute to minute basis. I thought my brain was chaotic before my surgery and cancer diagnosis. I would like to go back to that quieter time but I don’t see that happening soon.
The part I struggle with the most is what’s in store for me. The type of cancer I have is rare and I’m so new to the diagnosis. I’m being followed closely to see how the medication is affecting the existing tumors. It’s a slow growing cancer and my oncologist said I could have a few more decades with successful medication results. I try to remember this but…
It’s a really scary place to know I carry around something that will probably be what gets me in the end. How bad will it get and when? That’s a dark statement but it swirls in my head daily. It usually creeps in when discussions about future events are happening. Do I get to _______?
When my husband and I were discussing a home renovation project, my first thought was, “do I get to be around to enjoy it when it’s done?” Recently I was having dinner with 2 friends I worked with in my past zookeeper life. One had just retired and the discussion was about retirement plans. My head just kept asking “do I get to retire?” Planning a family vacation for next summer (2022) – “do I get to go & if so, in what condition will I be?”
I often hear ‘no one knows when’ and I know it’s from a kind heart. But it’s not the same for me anymore!
BS stuff 
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Hey Beth,
Your thoughts are what a lot of cancer patients go through but not many people think we do it so much. I had a lot of what if’s 28 years ago when I got my breast cancer-what if it spreads; treatment doesn’t work; I can’t work cause of my arm;it comes back. Going for follow up visits was hard, hoping it wouldn’t come back. You get to deal with it always being there and that seems bad and good at the same time. And the constant treatment makes it hard to not think about it. I did a lot of my own research on my type of cancer, then and now and that helped me deal with some of the stress. There is so much info out there.
I’m glad the cross fit and blog are helping. Music helped me. And sometimes it is ok to have a day where you just can’t deal. You have me and a lot of people who are here to help and support, so use us as you need!
Love ❤️ always, JoAnne
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Hey Beth,
I think most people who get a cancer diagnosis have a lot of crazy thoughts in their head. Most people don’t understand how much we have them. It is great you have found this blog and your cross fit to help deal with things. In the first few months most of us think “what will the future hold/will I get cancer again” stuff. Follow up visits always brought more stress for me. After 28 years, I thought I could stop stressing but it didn’t work that way. Maybe knowing your fight may help you. I did lots of research and listened to John Denver :-). You have a great support team and so many of us to lean on and help. Love ya🥰
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Sorry, didn’t think the first comment went through 🙃
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