If anyone is reading this, feel free to stop here – you’ve read this crap before, no need to waste more of your time. None of this post will be anything new, no new revelations, no new insight into my psyche, no personal growth. Just like a ruminant – I’m regurgitating and re-injesting the same content as before – because this crap won’t go away.

Recent symptoms & test results caused a flurry of more tests, new types of scans and procedures I never thought I’d need – all ordered STAT. The past month has been a whirlwind of CRAP. I’m grateful for my oncologist who stays on top of the issues but FFS why can’t I just be okay? It’s exhausting. And every new ‘experience’ is just another slap in the face to remind me I have cancer.

I’m so angry at how much this is damaging so much of my life. Side effects of the cancer & treatment are starting to take a toll physically & mentally. I keep waiting for things to normalize, to settle and just let me be. I don’t think this will ever be the case again. I am tired of adjusting to new health issues, tired of appointments, tired of scans & tests, tired of the amount of time these consume. I spend my ‘free time’ doing work to catch up for missed time or going to/from medical places.

I am so very tired, so very angry, so very sad. It’s all CRAP! Everything about this sucks. The challenges just keep piling up but I can’t keep up with the s*** shoveling. Too much change happening all at once, my body and mind can’t adapt fast enough. I’m being buried by all the crap and no idea how to get myself out of the pit. I feel lost – disconnected from others – fading away…