I gave my brain a name. This was an idea in a video sent to me. It’s supposed to help with the crappy self-talk I usually default to. She is now who I correct, yell at, plead with…. depending on the situation. “___ shush now so I can get back to sleep” – “___ please tell my GI tract to act normal (what ever that is now)” – “___ FFS stop what ever is causing that pain” – I try to be polite but there are times I yell at her.

She is also in charge of managing the monsters on the bus – which is a huge job. The monsters analogy was explained by my therapist to visualize how my emotions can derail me. I’m the bus driver, they (emotions/monsters) are passengers. These monsters get unruly at times – often actually. She is in charge of making them sit down, shut up and leave me alone to drive.

We are not [yet] a good team.. trying.. but all of this is a huge ask for one brain – as this is on top of trying to manage daily activities and keep my job. The monsters frequently take over – taking turns driving the bus. When they drive it takes everything I have to attempt to control myself. Most of these times I don’t gain control back before crashing. The repair bills are enormous.

The damage to my psyche from crashing is causing rifts in my life. I’m finding it harder to connect with others & becoming more uncomfortable socializing. The more I deal with this f***** cancer… treatments, appointments, side effects.., the less I have in common with those around me. I can’t hide from this and I’m finding it harder to fake it with others – I can’t just say ‘fine’ when asked how things are going. I don’t have control of the bus enough, to avoid crashing, to avoid causing more rifts.

I probably need to name the emotion monsters too – but that’s too many to think of or remember….