In the last week I have had to fast twice for appointments. I’ve had 2 medical procedures – one an annual check, the other was followup for an odd CT scan note last month. These were followed by 10 different labs drawn in one sitting (8 tubes of various colors). I made a comment to the tech about the number of tubes and got a “you did this to yourself” response. Yes, yes I did… I chose to lump all my labs together instead of driving in 3 different times and fasting more than one time. I don’t have many options to make this process easier on myself.

Results from the labs are showing an issue that was not an issue a few months ago. I have no idea what this will lead to but I can’t imagine anything less than further testing. I don’t know how I can fit in yet another condition to manage. My medical list is ridiculously long. Appointment management is my second full-time job.

Every time something like this comes up it feels like a slap in the face, another reminder for me… “oh yeah that’s right”. It never leaves my head… just sits quietly… like a jack-in-the-box toy until — “don’t forget – you have cancer”!

I am so scared – scared of what’s to come, scared of whether I will be able to handle it. Will right now be the best I feel? – which isn’t super great but tolerable. How fast will the downhill slide be? When will the hard decisions need to be made?

I am trying so hard – I am doing everything I can to stay alive. I don’t have time do more. I am following all the rules – exercise, diet, 0 alcohol – WHY? Why bother trying anymore? I want to stay around for my family – I will keep working at that goal – but mentally I am toast right now.