My process of writing has been interesting to me. I usually spend a couple days writing/editing in my head. Actual writing here sometimes flows out easily or involves many editing read throughs. The titles are either the starting point or develop at the end based on what I wrote. I don’t post until it all feels like it came together as planned.

This post will be different, the urge to write just came out of the blue. I don’t have a clear thought or topic – my brain feels like a huge ball of stress – tangled – knotted – hidden ends – getting tighter the more I try to get it out. It’s hard to know which end is up, what is a cause or effect.

The report from a recent scan has terminology I don’t fully understand. I know better than to search the unknown words. I won’t officially get answers for a few more days. However I understand “Attention in follow-up is recommended” means more testing of some type.

I have labs drawn every 4 weeks, just before each treatment shot, with continued changes in a few values over the last several months. I’ve been feeling a off for a while, but can’t fully explain how or what is not right. How much of this is from physical changes caused by the altered values? How much is from stress? Will I ever feel normal again? Or is this where I’ll be from now on?

My usual stress reducers are not working as well – I can’t (safely) take a higher dose of meds – I can’t spend more time in the gym (without losing my job) – I don’t find joy in social media (it’s not a distraction anymore) – running out of ideas.

I’ve also been having a hard time with anything ‘retro’ – from my Gen-X past. Anything reminding me of my childhood or even my son’s childhood… music, tv shows, videos… make me sad & mad. I want those easier times – not this crap.

I’m tired of being stressed. I’m tired of being scared. I’m tired of being tired.

And don’t even get me started on the complete S*** show going on outside.