I have a draft post I started over a month ago of topics/titles I wanted to explore. I haven’t had time to sit down and ponder. And now I am not really able to focus on this blog as I intended it to be – for me to process my cancer.

Having this chronic, non-fixable, ever-changing disease has been the primary theme in my brain for the last (almost) 4 years. It’s always there, in my face, every day. I have found ways to cope, places to get some reprieve from the scary thoughts and support from very special people.

All GONE! The current state of our country has taken any hope for safety and comfort away. Everything about this is beyond scary. I am in a constant state of panic – even while on meds.

My livelihood is threatened – GONE. Those in charge are focused on dismantling education and the research needed to keep it current. Untrained “influencers” are spreading misinformation faster now, and professionals are losing their voices from screaming.

My retirement plans – GONE – might have to work until I die now. Will I have to figure out how to supplement the loss of social security to exist? We are finally able to renovate but dare we use the funds? Travel again? Is my money safe or already stolen?

My health – the hope for a new treatment option, maybe a cure – GONE. Those in charge have no regard for science, which is what’s currently keeping me alive. How much longer will I get to have treatments and scans? What will happen when (not if) my cancer starts to act up? Will I have access to the next-in-line treatment?

As a parent I want a better life for my son – GONE. My hope for him and the world being left for his generation is dim. Food safety is compromised, food sources are being targeted, the environment is being severely damaged – all for no reason other than egos.

The worst part – who do I trust? Who has my back? I’m questioning the morality of those who think these changes are positive. The thousands who have already had their lives ripped apart in one way or another – how soon will it be our turn? I am so very sad – the loss I am feeling right now is… (the word I wanted here – GONE).