A recent medical concern ~ unrelated to the cancer~ added to my list of new and exciting test experiences. It also added to my ability for stressing about possible outcomes. Results were not as dramatic as I had envisioned (surprise-surprise) but will still require more followup with a new provider. A fun-filled 7-page report from this testing included a “Problem List” [a.k.a. my past medical history] = a list twice as long (4.5 pgs) as the official report part from the test itself. This started me thinking…

… which continued on a recent drive to another medical appointment. I got myself worked up over the drive itself. I’m so tired of going to appointments & tired of going alone. Luckily I don’t physically need any help and there is really no reason to ask for accompaniment (had to spellcheck that word). Everyone is busy, no need to keep more than me tied up in a medical office. So… alone I go.

More thinking… I feel alone a lot… an emotion I encounter quite often. There are others around – but not – everyone is busy. Work: new position – less teaching, more admin-type duties = more alone. Gym group: oldest – last one done, my results are not comparable = more alone. Other daily events: e.g. meetings or appointments – people are involved, mentally challenged in groups = more alone.

Even more thinking… the crap in my own head is what I rely on for company – which is mushy quicksand. I get trapped in it, sucked into the suck. I don’t enjoy my own company, the self-talk easily turns ugly. When I’m in this state I can’t imagine anyone else being able to tolerate it, so… Avoid others: protect them from the suck = more alone.

So tired of thinking… so tired of alone in the suck.