I get a lot of standard responses from others when the topic of my cancer comes up. Things about being a warrior… inspiring to others… the meaning of life must be evident now… or maybe a new perspective on life? I’ve brought these up in previous posts here and there. These concepts are exhausting to me. I feel added pressure to have life figured out and be brave at all costs. What I have noticed – personally this experience has caused various shifts in my life, all related to my energy.

Shifting circles — There is a difference in who is around me now compared to before this diagnosis. I’ve heard others with cancer use the term ‘ghosting’ when discussing friends or family who disappear when they get sick. I don’t know if this is the case or not with friends I haven’t seen or heard from directly. I know people are busy with their own lives & issues. I notice the differences & don’t have any hard feelings about it but I also don’t put energy into caring. I work on maintaining the relationships I have now the best I can.

Shifting priorities — I used to value putting tons of energy into my job – in both careers it’s been important to me to do the best work possible. I still love my job but my time priorities have shifted. I make myself stop doing work at a more reasonable hour in the evening. I make it a point to stay a couple days ahead of the syllabus schedule instead of working in a panic the night before a class. In my free time I let myself try new hobbies, I actually kinda like cooking – who knew?

Shifting focus — I have limited energy now. I used to be able to juggle multiple tasks at the same time. Now I can’t. I have to use more energy to focus so I try to stick to doing one thing at a time. It’s harder to sit still and be productive. It’s actually making writing these posts more difficult. There is always work to be done or something else I can find to do instead of work on my head. I’m finding my job to be more tiring this semester for some reason. I have more in my head to get out here. I’ve reread this over several times, it’s not coming out – I’m too tired.