I started this post over 2 years ago and never finished it. I have come back to it many times but can never figure out exactly what should be here.

First of all I am struggling with the idea of gratitude. I don’t feel it… I don’t think. I’m expecting it to be something I’d get when everything is okay – like “phew, glad that’s done and I’m okay”. That’s not going to happen. Good scan results recently showing the radiation worked – still not feeling it. Medication to help with my depression & anxiety – still not feeling it (but feeling mentally more stable). A full year with no ER visits – still not feeling it. Currently only needing maintenance visits to the cancer center – still not feeling it. All things are pointing to me being able to do okay for now, for what could be a good amount of time – I “should” be grateful – anyhow…

I guess I can say there are people in my life I am grateful to have around me. I can’t imagine going through this without such tremendous support.

My husband – I cannot believe how lucky I am to have such a wonderful husband! He’s always been my strongest supporter, but especially amazing for these last years. During my treatment for breast cancer, a broken foot, & this surgery recovery, all my treatments and fun ER date nights, he has never complained about or hesitated in taking on more of the house & pet duties. He deals with my emotional outbursts and mood swings with amazing patience.

My son – The number of hurdles he has had to deal with in his young life and pursuit of a career is higher than most. Not only has he gone through all of the events noted above, but also our house fire at the start of his college years and then moving from his childhood home a few years ago. He continues to push on. I can’t be more proud of him.

My parents & sisters & their families & my in-laws – I have a wonderful family who have been there in so many ways and so many times – more than I can count or remember so I’ll just say how wonderful they all are!

My forever friends – 1 I’ve known since our toddler days, 1 from my first career and 1 from my second career. I am thankful to have you in my life (maybe grateful is a better description). The years of friendship and support and not shying away when things get messy.

This is where I get stuck with writing my thoughts. There are many others who could be added to this list, but I’d never be able to mention everyone. I am afraid to put this out there and have someone think I don’t appreciate or recognize their support. This is simply expressing my struggle to be grateful for a really crappy situation.