…disposition to or an act or instance of kindness, courtesy, or clemency

I am struggling to give myself grace. Today I cannot accept where I am & what I’ve gone through this last year.

Passing my 2nd cancerversary a couple weeks ago and looking back at how this past year was just as crazy if not more so than the first year. Two small bowel blockages with 3-4 night stays in the hospital + 4 radiation treatments each with day-long stays. My body has been through the wringer and is still trying to recover somewhat. I have been working on accepting I will probably never get back to where I was before surgery.

Workouts like today make this issue kinda slap me in the face. I was the slowest by far compared to all others who did this workout. I expected to be slower than even this 30 minutes when I saw the times posted by early risers. Coaching instructions are another issue – often timing expectations are not realistic for me – for some things –> therefore = failure – before I even start. I put this on myself, it’s never said to me as such. This is where I need to give myself grace.

The physical nature of this cancer, the toll of it and the treatments will always affect many parts of my life. The physical side effects of meds and treatments are not something I have really expressed here. For some reason I don’t tell very many people about them. I just adjust to them as best I can as they occur.

Exercise has become very important to combat many of these issues. I still continue to show up 5 days/week and do what I can. It’s sooooooo frustrating to always be last. But really… the comparison to others in the room is not fair to me – again, can’t give myself grace. I would like to be able to acknowledge my accomplishing this workout without comparing my time to everyone else. This was hard, but I finished it. I had to scale the wallball weight and I still can’t do dubs – so 400 single jump rope jumps it was. But I did all the amounts listed — why is that not good enough to me? My head needs to be quiet and give grace.