I haven’t written here in quite some time for lots of reasons. Fall semester was exhausting. It took all my energy to keep up with my classes because of changing textbooks and updating course materials. I also went through 4 cycles of radiation (PRRT) between August and February. I had no way to focus on much else besides work and surviving.

As more time passed between my last post and considering coming back to this, the more I can’t decide what to write about next or if I should at all. I feel like much of what I have to say is rehashing the same post topics as already written. Today I decided to just put something here and see what comes out. I think I might skip the usual re-reading a post and editing to get it just right (except typos maybe?).

Isolation – this feeling follows me almost all the time. It’s like a shadow I can’t shake. I don’t understand why, with all the great people around me and tons of support I get, it is still there, lingering, poking me, reminding me it hasn’t gone away. I feel set apart from others, on the sidelines while everyone else goes about their day. The things I can’t or won’t participate in feels like it keeps getting longer.

I feel lonely quite often. But I hesitate or avoid being the instigator for any interaction with others. I don’t want to be a bother, don’t want to interfere with their lives. It takes a lot of energy to keep up with friendships. I don’t want to be the one making the plans because when they fall through I am the one who started the process, no matter who cancelled. I have to work really hard in my head to not take this personally. It’s easier to just avoid the situation or wait for someone else to reach out.

This is not a new feeling, I’ve felt on the outskirts pretty much most of my life. But this diagnosis and the issues I have to deal with now make it more obvious to me. I’m not sure what I do with these thoughts now, more pondering is needed, stay tuned…