Over the last month+ I’ve been raising money for a NETs organization – to help them help those of us with NETs in a bunch of different ways. Friends and family have been sponsoring me in a ‘virtual’ walk. Even though the organization identified a date, the idea is to hold a walk at any time. Last year I raised money but didn’t officially walk – other than our usual daily walks to work or with the dog.

This year I decided to try and organize an actual walk. The problem is – I am not a good organizer, I don’t enjoy planning activities like this. This is why we don’t entertain at our house much. I wish I had it in me to be a better host. It has always felt difficult to plan things, but even more so now. I don’t have a lot of extra mental energy.

Goal: to be low-key – here is the information… come join if you want… totally up to you… no pressure. I didn’t ask for any RSVPs – told friends and family it could be a game-day decision.

I also needed to keep the pressure on me as low as possible. I ordered a cake, & plates & cutlery to bring. I asked a friend to get coffee in a box and invited others to bring a snack if they wanted to share something. That’s it, that’s all I could muster.

The weather turned out to be super cold – blustery and not pleasant to be out in for any length of time. I felt awful for asking people to be outside. I had a hard time getting past this for most of the walk. I spent a lot of the walk just looking around at the friends and family who were with me, actively supporting me in the cold, grateful for them in my life.

But I couldn’t stop being so angry about all this. I don’t want to need this support! This thought crept in even before we left the house and clouded the whole afternoon for me. I don’t want to feel so needy.

And the pressure came on anyway, despite my efforts. I was worried about everyones’ comfort. I wasn’t sure who to talk to, who to walk with, how to even get the walk started. I felt a bit of disbelief that others would do this with me, for me. Even after all this time the whole situation often feels surreal.