I’ve mentioned before how this experience is a roller coaster – emotionally it is draining. The highs are not very. The lows can be low but mostly short-lived. When I get in those ditches it usually takes a couple days and a really good cry to get out. During that time I have a hard time with adulting. I have a low tolerance for the small stuff and my filter gets turned off… so I avoid people the best I can. Any energy I have goes into only what I absolutely have to do.

I’m climbing out of the deepest ditch I’ve encountered so far. This was the darkest I’ve felt since diagnosis. I have no idea why so deep, which makes it even scarier. It lasted longer than any other down time. And for a while I couldn’t get out even with lots and lots of crying.

I have started using medication to help me sleep. Most of the time it works, at least to help get to sleep (sleep is a whole separate issue and probably needs a post at some point). One night, the middle of this darkness, I actually gave some thought to taking extra medication, beyond the recommendation. I just wanted to sleep, to get away from the sadness. That thought scared me.

I kept that thought to myself for a couple days. I kept to myself for most everything else too. I didn’t have the energy to reach out to anyone. It was easier to hide.

My usual ‘go-to’ for feeling better – exercise – wasn’t as helpful but I kept going. I didn’t talk to anyone in the gym unless they spoke first. I didn’t stick around more than I needed to.

I enjoy being with the students and being in class has helped me in past downs. This time – I could pull myself together when teaching, but went right back to dark after classes were over.

I’ve been in dark places at various times during my life. I’ve never considered any form of self-harm as a solution. I don’t see it as a way out now either. But the darkness of the past week (+/-) gave me a glimpse of how that road gets chosen.

It’s been very lonely & scary. I’m not completely out yet but getting there. I’m exhausted. I am afraid of the next dark.