Most of my adult life I haven’t given much thought to the end. I know there’s no way to avoid it at some point. But it was always really far away. Now it’s tucked away in almost every thought or decision.

I was always going to be the one to take care of everyone else. I’m the big sister, the oldest, so I should be the one to look out for my younger sisters, my parents as they age & my own family. I never thought I’d be the one needing the care, and definitely not at this point in my life.

Everything feels scary now. There are the ever present random symptoms – what are they from and why are they happening? Will they land me in the hospital again?

I’m scared because the first treatment stopped being enough to keep the tumors quiet sooner than I had hoped. I have no idea how active these things are now. What are they doing to my insides?

I’m scared because another treatment started. This has a good chance of damaging the tumors enough & give me a longer time until I need further intervention. How much longer is the question. But I’m scared of the possibility of experiencing damaging side effects from the treatment.

I’m scared to find out how much any of this is going to continue to impact my life. What future disruptions will I be dealing with, how do I plan ahead? What symptoms will I be struggling with next?

I’m scared because I am having stamina issues with workouts. I already couldn’t keep up very well, now it seems worse. I know my body has been and continues to go through a lot. Will this always be the case from now on? Is this the best I’ll feel going forward? Is it downhill now?