I’m sorry, I’m trying to keep it together. Some days it’s easy, no triggers, just normal events. Other days seem super hard to maintain any adult-like disposition.

I work very hard to monitor myself and stay aware of my moods. My goal is to not blow up at people – especially for things I can’t control or they had absolutely nothing to do with. I also don’t want those around me to think my mood is because of them. It is usually just my inability to deal with life at the moment.

I’ve been struggling these last few days to mentally stay afloat. I don’t know what started this or what is actually bothering me emotionally. That’s the worst part about this, most of the time I have no idea what is triggering me.

I’m trying to ‘stay strong’ – what ever the hell that means. I worry how my outbursts affect my husband and son. My husband gets the brunt of this, and often worries he did something wrong, or there is something he can do to fix the problem. I feel horrible when he makes these assumptions. I know my son is affected by a lot of what happens to me. He told me he doesn’t want to know more than he needs to because it distracts him from school. He already has enough to work through to get classes done. This can become an ‘eggshell dance’ at home – no one wants to set me off, including me.

I’m trying to ‘find gratitude’ – it’s not there for me. I don’t ‘appreciate life more now’ than I did before. I’m not ‘grateful for every day’ I’m alive. The emotional toll is suffocating at times.

I had a dream a couple nights ago… there was some sort of presence in my room, I’m not sure exactly what it was. I tried yelling out to my husband but couldn’t make any sounds (I hate these types of dreams) & woke up super scared. This is what I feel like while awake – a presence I can’t shake, and no amount of yelling will make it go away.

I’m really trying… it’s frustrating how unsuccessful I feel at existing now.