Fisher, our first greyhound, figured out the benefit of shade on walks. Having black fur meant he’d get hot quickly in the sun. He had a pattern of trotting to the next shade he saw on the walk and then walk super slow while in the shade.

I walk to campus most days, either for a workout or for work or both. With the summer starting, and the new treatment I’m on, I’m supposed to avoid the sun and I don’t tolerate heat as well as I used to. The other day I found myself using Fisher’s technique – looking for the most shaded path home – NO I didn’t trot. These walks give me lots of time to think/dwell on life.

One way to avoid dealing with things is to not deal. Not writing in the blog is one way to ignore reality. If I don’t sit down to write out what’s in my head it doesn’t exist and I can pretend everything is normal…. until I am forced to face it – again. Chasing the shade was one of these moments.

I spent the last month+ trying to focus on work, to feel useful at my job, to pretend I don’t need help and I can handle everything like before. I’m trying to ignore the side effects of the new oral chemo treatment, added in May to my existing plan. It’s meant to hold me over until the real second treatment – radiation – can be started.

But… I’m finding the need to adjust many of my daily activities – chasing the shade of the day. I have to think ahead more, plan my day not only on calendar events but what I feel I can tolerate. I have to look for the most comfortable path based on what ever fun side effects are jumping out at me.

Digestion has changed, so I have to plan differently for early morning events. Friends and the coach are starting to be surprised when I show up on time for a morning workout. Depending on what & how much I’ve eaten during the day can also affect how I feel at night. But I don’t know what exactly is causing the discomfort – I’m not seeing patterns yet.

Taste changes make eating less fun. Many foods taste funny or seem to be missing something if I’m familiar with them. Trying new foods is pointless, I have no idea if I like it because I know it doesn’t taste how I taste it.

Hot flashes have me altering how I dress and affect my comfort in some situations. I can’t just wear something based on the expected temperature, I need layers. Hot flash tip: solid colored tops show the sweat more – I have to choose my shirts carefully.

There is no way to know if the these issues are from the cancer or the treatments. Some of these issues might be temporary and go away when I am off the chemo and start the radiation. However I fully expect the shade to shift again with the new treatment. I’m thinking this will be a constant way of dealing with life from now on. So then I’m left with the decision – do I suck it up = just ignore what’s going on = keep quiet? Or do I say something = complain — while I try to adjust to each new shift?