So far my recoveries from surgeries have not had any huge complications. This most recent surgery in April took the longest to get back to what feels like normal – not really normal but the closest to what it was like before surgery. My rehab was just making my way back to the gym and slowly getting back into regular workouts. Sometimes my head didn’t have the patience my body needed. But the threat of getting hurt by progressing too fast was enough to keep me in check. The thought of developing a hernia and needing another surgery was my biggest fear. I absolutely dread being a patient in the hospital again.

It feels like my entire life now is a prehab situation. Everything I do is in preparation for the next event. I’ve mentioned how important physical activity is in my opinion. My primary reason for doing any exercise used to be getting strong and kinda sorta toned. Now it has turned into a need to be ready to recover again, or deal with side effects of the cancer or treatments.

I don’t have any idea what being ready actually means. It’s not reaching a particular goal of a weight I can lift or how fast I can row. But this need to be strong enough to recover or survive has started to take away my joy of working out. It also causes me more stress when I am temporarily injured. I tweaked my shoulder last week and I’ve been altering movements and whole workouts all week to give it time to heal. Mentally this has resulted in more anxiety because how am I supposed to keep up with getting ready? My plan to not get injured is not working.

I am trying to figure out how to bring the enjoyment back into my workouts. But the prehab thoughts still dominate my headspace. I feel like it’s just a matter of time… not if… but when.