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I started my adulting as a zookeeper after college. It was a great gig for an introvert who loved animals. I loved the job and the people I worked with while I was there. I planned to retire from the zoo. But best laid plans… I ended up getting laid off from zoo after 16 years because those above me couldn’t manage money properly.

This forced me into a career change – but with no transferable skills. I had dug myself into a hole. So I did what I needed to do for my future career. Within 2 months I was accepted into the grad program at UD. And after 5 years of blood (not really – just being dramatic here), sweat & tears (lots of them), I found myself with a new path and more potential doors to use. Now I am in a job I love just as much, if not more than the zoo.

While the decision to leave the zoo was not mine to make, the direction of my life was. I could have chosen an easier path or settled for the first job I could get with no skills. I’ve always been proud of how I handled this transition.

Since my surgery and diagnosis I have received a lot of compliments on how well I am handling this situation. Many of them are similar to what I heard during my career switch… doing a great job… you are so strong… so proud of you… impressed by how you’re dealing with all this. I appreciate these thoughts and I know they are coming from a good place. I don’t want to sound ungrateful for the support but…

The thing is, this is completely different for me. This time it’s not that I’m doing what I want, it’s what I need, it’s not a choice. I don’t feel like a beast, warrior, or fighter. I’m scared s***less all the time. I am only doing what I can to protect myself. I am working hard to get in the best physical shape I can – knowing I will likely need to rely on my strength yet again at some point in the future. I don’t really feel like going to get monthly blood work or my butt dart medication, but I have to. I don’t want to need my therapist as much as I do (this is also protection for those in close proximity to me). I don’t want to go through the process to find a NETs specialist, but it is another step in this crazy new existence.

This is not a battle with cancer, battles are choices with a winner & loser. This is just my best attempt to stay alive for a while longer. This is just me in survival mode.