I know this process is not linear – my mental state will not just continually improve with therapy. It would be nice to have a clear end to my need for therapy – getting myself to be happy all the time! Setbacks are expected but the 1 step forward // 2 steps back routine is exhausting.

I’m not sure how to react to good news – a recent follow up scan showed no growth of the current tumors and no spreading to new locations. And the bloodwork results my oncologist had access to were good, she was encouraged by what she was seeing in my chart. I thought I would be elated with this news. BUT… my brain likes to mess with me.

My focus turned to the side effects of meds I am taking like my increase in body weight, occasional GI pains & digestion issues and hot flashes (ugh). Then there was an oddly high blood pressure reading, and the increase in the one blood value she didn’t see before the appointment. Instead of the encouraging news I find myself dwelling on these things, and how this disease will continue to be a challenge to deal with.

The anxiety does not seem to let up even with good news. I don’t want to be the party pooper who is always on the verge of tears. I have not figured out how to get out of this mindset.