I learned a new word. The closer I get to my upcoming CT scan the more I am feeling this. The scan will be a followup to the original PET scan I had. It will compare the tumors I carry around to what they looked like a couple months ago.

I continue with regular scans for breast cancer, alternating every 6 months between a mammogram and MRI. The MRI is as much a mental challenge as it is physical. It doesn’t hurt other than the IV line for the dye. But being in a tube for 20+ minutes is tough. If I move, they have to start over, I learned this the hard way. I honestly rely on the same mental stamina I’ve practiced in CrossFit (not trying to recruit but…). I can do hard things for 20+ minutes (sometimes the coach pushes me to be faster but usually I’m not).

I’ve gotten used to the anxiety before these scans, and the relief when they tell me everything is normal. The upcoming CT scan feels different. This time I know stuff is in there but the question = what’s it doing now? Did it grow, spread or maybe shrink? Is the medication working or do I have to go to plan B? What is plan B? How bad does barium taste?

Too many unknowns for my liking. I’m not able to just ‘go with the flow’ on this. I can’t just enjoy every moment, live life to the fullest each day, blah blah blah… regular activities & conversations are interrupted with thoughts of ‘what if’. I have not figured out how to get out of this rabbit hole. I am not even sure I’ve reached the bottom of the hole yet.