I often struggle with an appropriate answer to ‘how are you?’. My go-to response is usually ‘I’m managing‘, or ‘hanging in‘, sometimes it’s just ‘I’m upright and breathing‘

A good friend sends DMs to check in on my every so often. A recent question of how am I feeling, & am I able to to get to the gym was the message this time. I told them I am able to work out, going in 5 times/week usually. I then added ‘mentally… riding the roller coaster’.

The response back commented how my physical activity probably keeps me [mentally] able to enjoy some roller coaster highs. I have been pondering this for a while. Honestly I don’t think I am experiencing any high points, just a few normal periods in between the lows. I cannot shake the sadness and anger for more than short periods of time.

Even when I’m feeling good I get reminded somehow of what’s likely to come. For example, the surgeon who did the bowel resection retired so my 3-month follow up was with another doctor in the practice. Because he is new to my case, he was asking me extra questions about my treatment and then asked if I am experiencing specific symptoms related to the cancer type I have. Luckily at this point I am not, physically I feel good. But I’m reminded of my likely future & now worrying about any progression of the tumors. I’ve mentioned before how every little internal pain sets off a small panic button in my head. On a positive note – the periodic pain I’ve had is not a hernia!

I don’t like it here in the place I am in right now, but I haven’t gotten to a point of being able to climb out. I’ll continue to ride the coaster and maybe find high points. Until then, anyone asking how I am will probably get one of my usual replies.